Tuesday, June 26, 2012

MURDER IN THE SCHOOL OFFICE - ALMOST




It’s June 28, 2012

A lady enters the office of Blyth Public School and approaches the school secretary.

Sect'y:   Good morning. How may I help you?

Lady:     Good morning. We are moving to Blyth next month and I would like to enroll our children for this school in September.

Sect'y:   Sorry. We are not accepting registrations for this school.

Lady:     I didn’t realize there is more than one school in Blyth.

Sect'y:   This is the only school in Blyth today, and as of tomorrow it is closing.

Lady:     You mean there won't be any school for my children?

Sect'y:   Oh, there'll be a school for them. You have a choice. They can either go south to Londesborough or north to Wingham.

Lady:     Well I am going to be working in Wingham, so I guess they will go there. So, we're talking about Wingham Public School?

Sect'y:   No, that school is closing, too.

Lady:     But you said ......Wait a minute, why are these schools closing?

Sect'y:   We are closing many schools: Wingham, Blyth, East Wawanosh, Turnberry, Brussels.

Lady:     But if all the schools are closing ......

Sect'y:   Don’t worry, Ma’am. We do have a beautiful new school.

Lady:     So why are all these schools closing?

Sect'y:   They have to send the children from several schools to fill up this new school.

Lady:     So why did they decide to build the new school?

Sect'y:   Well they had to have a place for the children whose schools are closing.

Lady:     Typical government circular argument. What is this new school  called?

Sect'y:   Maitland River Elementary School. It opens its doors on Monday morning. We are looking after registrations here right now.

Lady:     Well, that’s great. I’ll register them in Maitland River Elementary School today. Can you tell me where it is so I can drive around and show it to the kids?

Sect'y:   No, you can’t.

Lady:     Why can’t I see it?

Sect'y:   It hasn’t been built yet.

Lady:     But you said, its doors were opening next Monday.

Sect'y:   It doesn’t have any doors yet. It’s just now under construction. Opening doors is just a figure of speech.

Lady:     Now look here. I’ve had just about enough of this nonsense. Figure of speech, indeed! Are we on TV or something? Is somebody going to step out here and say SURPRISE! THANKS FOR BEING SUCH A GREAT SPORT!  I really don't have time for all this. "You can do this. No you can’t do this. First you see it, now you don’t!" I want to speak with the principal and RIGHT NOW!

Sect'y:  You can’t. She isn’t here!

Lady:     Why am I not surprised? Where is she?

Sect'y:   She’s working at the new school today.

Lady:     Working at the new school? The Maitland River Elementary School ? The one that hasn’t been built?

Sect'y:   That’s right.

Lady:     Does she know that it hasn’t been built yet?

Sect'y:  We don’t want to break it to her – too suddenly! We’re sure she’ll notice it herself – gradually!

Lady:     I am running short on time. I am sure there is enough weird behaviour going on here to fill a PhD thesis, but I have to get our kids registered. I want you to do this and please don’t give me any more of these little road blocks. Agreed?

Sect'y:   Sure. That’s why we are here.

Lady:     I have my little Mavis who is starting into Junior Kindergarten. What can you do for her?

Sect'y: Well, the Kindergarten children are going to Turnberry.

Lady:     But you said Turnberry Public School  is being closed tomorrow.

Sect'y:  That’s right but it is becoming The Turnberry Campus of Maitland River Elementary School  as of Monday morning. That’s where Mavis will go.

Lady:     So is there a real brick and mortar building there with doors and a roof and teachers?

Sect'y:   Oh, of course! Except the teachers won't be there till September.

Lady:     Now for my next child. Mark is going into Grade 3. Turnberry for him as well?

Sect'y:   No. He’ll go to Wingham.

Lady:     Aha! I’m one ahead of you. Let me pre-empt your speech. Wingham Public School is closing tomorrow. MRES does not exist yet. So my little Mark will be attending the Wingham Campus of Maitland River Elementary School. Am I right?

Sect'y:   You are absolutely right.  Do you have another child?

Lady:     Yes, and I am going to tempt fate and tell you where she will be going. Francine is going into Grade 8 and she will also be attending the Wingham Campus of Maitland River Elementary School.

Sect'y:   Wrong!

Lady:     Do you never give up? Is there no bottom to your little bag of tricks? What do you propose doing to my Francine?

Sect'y:   She will be attending F.E. Madill High School.

Lady:     No, no, no. Francine is going into Grade 8. She is not going to high school. I’m afraid you are in the wrong this time.

Sect'y:   Maitland River Elementary School  is a Grade 2 to 6 school. F.E. Madill as of next Monday becomes a Grade 7 to 12 school.

Lady:     OK, Miss whatever your name is, you win again. Now I want you to listen to me while I summarize my first encounter with the craziest school system ever devised. My family and I are moving to the lovely village of Blyth which is about to lose its only school. We have three children of grade school age, and they will each be attending a different school. This is a temporary arrangement while this school board gets around to building the Taj Mahal. The board is pretending that this lovely new school is real, but it in reality is still on a drawing board in the office of a very frustrated architect.

Why on earth are they closing the schools twelve or more months before they get the new school  built and ready to accept our wee darlings?

Sect'y:   This plan is intended to create a smooth transition for all the children from the old schools to the new school environment. The children will be grouped wherever possible with the children they will be with in the new school. The children can get a head start on developing the culture of Maitland River Elementary School  instead of having to go through that very challenging process when they actually transition into that wonderful new building. We want them to feel comfortable, free from the stress of change involved in leaving one environment and moving into another very different environment.

Lady:     I'll bet it took you a while to memorize that speech? Some bureaucrat wrote that for you and I have to wonder what he is trying to hide. You have put me through about 20 transitions today exposed to schools that exist today, but won't exist tomorrow, a school that is opening doors it doesn’t have, campus schools that have no parent school, high schools that take in elementary school kids.  The children of Blyth are being put through this insane process. Now, tell me this, and I am asking you to be brutally honest. Are the people of this village happy about their school closing and all these changes?

Sect'y:   There are a couple of old guys creating a bit of a fuss over this but everybody else seems to be accepting the change. A few people signed a petition to stop the closure, but it’s the school board that decides these things.

Lady:     How many people signed the petition?

Sect'y:   Just a few over 600.

Lady:     What is the population of this village?

Sect'y:   Almost a thousand people.

Lady:     I would say that’s almost unanimous disapproval. Doesn’t the opinion of the community count for something?

Sect'y:   The school board is not concerned about the community. Their only concern is the school and the children. We do it all for the children.

Lady:     And the school board goes along with this?

Sect'y:   Of course. It's their idea, well with a bit of prompting by the administrators.

Lady:     What are they going to do with this building? It looks to be in excellent condition.

Sect'y:   That has not been decided yet.

Lady:     I have a suggestion. They should convert this building into a maximum security mental institution and lock all of the board members and administrators in it.

Sect'y:   They can’t do that.

Lady:     Why not?

Sect'y:   They were all committed to another school in Seaforth a few years ago for the same offenses!

Brock Vodden (with apologies to all the Blyth Festival Playwrights)

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